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...this is a story of possibility...

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[15 Apr 2017|02:04pm]
I probably just removed you from my friends list.
Don't take it too personally.

Feel free to keep me added on here, and/or add me on myspace. I probably still want to be your friend. But I'd really like to simplify this shit a little bit. At least for the time being.

49 left| fly

[02 May 2011|09:27pm]
I have so much gratitude to my past self that put in so much work consciously observing my enjoyment of being alone. All of that time coalesces in this moment when I am savoring so much my solitude.

desires [28 Oct 2010|04:41pm]
I want to rub my lips across someones beard. That would be really delightful. I'd also like a fun conversation in English. Some good company. Someone to run their fingers through my hair. I want to play a board game or a card game or put together a puzzle. I want to drink cold coffee with honey sitting in the sun. I want to draw. I want to wear a mini skirt again. I want to have clothes that look really good on me. Interesting punk clothes and nice professional clothes. I'd like there to even be some cross over. I'd like some good chocolates (which actually, I plan on going to get later on).
I'd like to know where I can use a fax machine.

[23 Oct 2010|08:28am]
I woke up sad this morning, which probably has something to do with having a stomach ache from chinese food last night.

I'm also upset that my favorite housemate is leaving. He's my only friend here!
also, there are kittens to think about! their mom is a great kitty mom, but they are camped out in his room! I don't know how to care for kittens! I am afraid!

also, I don't think I'm super hot on other housemates. Housemate one doesn't talk to me and smokes pot in his room. Housemate two also doesn't talk to me (which is weird because we talked when she was looking at the place, and now she's really weird) also, she has somebody sleeping in the living room and didn't say anything to anyone about that, which makes me feel uncomfortable.

also, I'm having the first wave of sads about leaving this trip to go back home. I think I'm kind of scared -- what if Anchorage isn't home anymore?
2 left| fly

[18 Sep 2010|02:03pm]
I've got a serious case of the sads.

Solomon and I might be breaking up. We are in the midst of a multi session make it or break it talk.

I told him a week (or two?) ago that if he wasn't back in anchorage by sometime early in the new year, that our relationship would inevitably wind down.

I thought that I was just restating the obvious, but apparently it was new to him. Glad I brought it up!

Anyway, it got him to thinking, and me, too.

Yesterday we had another talk.

In this talk, he told me that he had decided that he would be open to coming back to Anchorage, but that if he did, he would probably be leaving again. It would either be at the beginning or end of next summer.

I'm not sure if I should ask him to come back to anchorage, or if it's just time to cut my losses because we just don't want the same thing.

We're going for another round tonight.

I've made a list of the things that would create a relationship that was 100% what I wanted.

Last night, he was talking about this as a compromise solution.

I said that I couldn't figure out a compromise because I wasn't sure what would be 100% for him.
He spewed out an answer, but then that wasn't actually what he wanted after all once we started talking about it.

I feel like him coming up to AK *for me* feels bad to me. I was thinking about it some more today and realized that if he is going to come up, it has to be contextualized in a different way.

It can be because *he is interested in exploring a relationship with me*
or because *he is interested in exploring alaska more*
or something else like that. But it can't be just *for me*. There's too much pressure there. It feels too much like I've accidentally forced him to do something he didn't want to do in the first place.

anyway, I'm off to buy more minutes for my phone. I tried yesterday and there was what was probably a glitch in the system, and I didn't get all the minutes I paid for. Hopefully this will get worked out by the company. I'm going to have my spanish teacher call for me on Monday.

[10 Sep 2010|11:49am]
I really want to buy a house! I keep looking at the MLS and seeing great looking listings and being really, really excited. Also, really hopeful and ready. There are some real low prices out there right now, and some cute homes. There's one I was just looking at that is a spenard log cabin 2 bedrooms (plus a loft that is big enough to be a third bedroom) and garage. so cute. under $170k. There are some other real nice finds out there right now, and some fantastic ones that have already passed.
want want want want want!

[21 Aug 2010|10:56pm]
I'm starved for physical contact.

Tonight, K and I were on our way to a play when we ran into this girl who I'd met weeks ago. She was with a group of friends. We invited them to come along.

At the play, I sat next to her guy friend. He was sort of cute. Cute in the way where I imagine that if you got drunk and people looked cuter to you when you were drunk, then he'd be really hot. In normal life, he isn't bad looking, but I ain't writing home, either. He looks like he can grow a good beard. you know how I like that. Anyway. he was mildly entertaining, but after not so long, came off as kind of rigid and self centered. I also gathered that he most likely drinks a lot.

Now that I've levied all of this judgment onto this random dude, I've got to say -- while it was a good play and I really enjoyed it, the thing that was probably the most exciting for me was when our legs and elbows touched. I liked casually brushing against him and the way that neither of us moved away. We definitely could've avoided touching, and we didn't. and I liked it.

I liked it a disturbing lot.

It reminded me of how when T was here and due to circumstances, we slept in the same bed, it thrilled the shit out of me when our feet touched.

Clearly, I need a cuddle.

That's all.

[28 Jul 2010|10:42pm]
I'm really trying to be a super chill housemate, and generally a chill person to be around. This situation pushes my limits though, on a not totally infrequent basis (specifically, I am talking about people being really loud late at night and smoking in the house).

I'm not really sure what I want to do about that, or about what I'm doing here. Wondering if I just want to be in xela a shorter time than previously thought. It's almost August. I leave the first week of December. Do I want to go to the lake? Do I want to go to san cristobal? when am I going to el salvador? Do I even want to go there? I think I do, but that's a lot of bussin'.
Somehow, two months has gone by ridiculously fast. Actually, I think I'm only at six weeks. But still!


What are my options in that time? Ones that come to mind are as follows

stay in xela the whole time, except for a visa renewal trip
go to the lake and learn weaving there
study more spanish in xela or elsewhere
go to san cristobal in october or november. if I went earlyish, I could feasibly avoid doing a different visa run.
el salvador for a bit. that could be super cool.
I think I'd like to do some volunteering

Maybe I should make a week by week projection. In some ways, I feel like time is just getting sucked away.

sometime I would like would be some more friends, btw. I'm a little isolated right now.

[26 Jul 2010|06:28pm]
also, yesterday I did a reiki session with one of my weaving teachers. Really interesting, and I hope I can remember to write about my perceptions in my personal journal. That stuff isn't really for me to say here. Anyway, MANNNN, giving reiki makes my body hurt!! particularly my thighs. My upper back hurts too. It's all a pretty good hurt though, like a work out hurt. I think it's just getting into a sorta funny position and then holding it, and doing that repeatedly for an hour. I find that I rely a lot on my adductors for stability. I feel like I'm walking funny today because they are so sore!
5 left| fly

[01 Jul 2010|06:14pm]
going to Mexico tomorrow
thinking of going to Palenque, Tikal, then Belize before heading home. crazy times!!

I'm feeling overall pretty good about this trip, but am having a little bit of angst about the possibility of getting mugged. I'm not sure why that's in my mind. I'm trying to defuse it by talking about it a bit and then also by manifesting something better and awesome.

I'm really excited about this adventure.

[01 Jul 2010|09:35am]
I'm going to Mexico tomorrow, which I'm really excited about. I may end up in Belize in the next week or two as well. I'm pretty excited about this.

I think that later in my trip, I might take a few weeks and spend time in El Salvador and Honduras. I've also heard that Nicaragua was bomb, but that might be a little far, but who knows? maybe not. I just read an article though, about Honduras, and it seems like it's still a little unstable. I'mma keep an eye on it, but I think it's real possible that I might go at some point around October. Whee!

That's all.

Oh, also, I was totally thrilled by this article -- http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/showbiz/article-23850376-kesha-i-love-fat-men.do

I've started to kind of like Kesha, even though I don't like the emphasis on alcohol abuse in her songs, they are really funny to me. I really like the song that ends in the clip 'so, uh, I like your beard' That just thrills the shit outta me.
6 left| fly

[19 Apr 2010|11:06am]
I was looking at someones facebook photos today. They were all hunting related and I, for some reason, always salivate a little when I see a dead caribou or moose. And today when I was reading an article about whaling I felt similarly.


I have no desire to eat dairy again. Or commercially raised/processed meat. But sometimes I think that eating moose wouldn't be so bad.

[14 Feb 2010|02:51pm]
is in a really positive mood today.

I'm drinking decaf now and still feeling like it's giving me a buzz.

I'm working on writing a grant and hope I get it.

I have a hot boyfriend who is in costa rica and I don't know when I'll see him again. I care about that, but not too much, because I'm just really happy to be lovin' him and being loved by him.

I love that he's a little shy and quiet, or at least comes off that way to some people, but that with me, he's talkative and funny and open.

Shit, y'all, life is good. Even when it's confusing and trying and hard. It's good.
1 left| fly

[01 Feb 2010|10:54am]
I'ma be honest
I am bored by costa rica.

I´m excited by spending time with Solomon though, and so that´s been good. Last night we stayed up late watching 40 year old virgin on tv and giggling and wrestling. It was really sweet. The town we´re in right now doesn´t have a lot to do that doesn´t cost a ton of money. It´s nicer than the last town though. I think that the only place I´ve been really into on this whole trip has been the south east of the country. Everything else feels like a dirty, low budget version of a theme park. also, probably more expensive than most theme parks.

I´m also just really, really tired overall. last night was the first night I slept well at all, and I didn´t even sleep that great. That´s really, really wearing on me.

also, I finishedmy book and there isn´t an english language book store here and my hostel doesn´t have a book exchange AND when I tried to exchange elsewhere, they said because I wasn´t a guest, I could only exchange 2 books for 1, and I don´t have two. LAME. I JUST WANT TO READ and drink juice and take a nap.

also, I am really excited to eat good and diverse food again. the food here is really, really boring.
I never thought I´d get sick of rice and beans, but maybe I have.

Maybe I´m just travel weary.

[28 Jan 2010|09:12am]
super quick.

things are good overall.
I´´ll post a more detailed vacation post later.
a few things though

tomorrow we´re going on a zip line. I´m a little nervous
S and I are clashing a little bit right now. I´m a little offended that he wants to sleep separately tonight.
I´m getting a reiki attunement when I go back through pdx, and I´m SUPER FUCKING JAZZED about it. like, I feel like this is a really, really important thing for me. like it´s part of fulfilling what I´m ultimately supposed to be doing.

Okay, that´s all. I´m surrounded by loud and obnoxious children. I´m going to bed.
2 left| fly

[11 Jan 2010|11:03am]
this is kind of a secret, but I'm excited about the idea of it.

I am mulling over the idea of moving to Guatemala
One of the things I'd want to do would be to learn how to weave on a backstrap loom.
I'm also thinking about applying for some scholarships and grants to do this.

it feels weird to be looking at grants. I am questioning if my project is worthy and if I really need THAT much money to do it, and what it will mean for my art in the future.

[11 Jan 2010|09:08am]
Solomon got me a digital camera for xmas and it finally arrived!

I'm really, really excited about it. It's EXACTLY what I wanted. Besides that though, this is a HUGE gift to receive from a partner. It's a refurb one and he got a good deal on it, but it was still like $100.

Mostly my point in saying this is that it feels really good that he'd do that.
I feel really loved by him
and I'm SO EXCITED to see him in Costa Rica so soon!!

I leave (by way of Portland) on Saturday morning!!

[30 Dec 2009|10:43am]
today feels like a lunch and second lunch day.

Also, I'm working on another list of 101 things to do in 1001 days.

[26 Dec 2009|12:57am]
xmas has been pretty chill. mostly, I've just hung out, spun yarn, read books, did laundry, and went to a movie.

Solomon and I talked for a long time, which was really nice
I feel like I've been a little nervous to see him, maybe I still am, but overall, I'm really excited.
something random I was just thinking about is that this woman who I know 'bought' his car from him when he left, and he knew she didn't have a lot of money, so agreed to let her make payments, but she only ever made like, one payment. It kind of makes me mad. I don't know her well, but have definitely been friendly with her and wanted to be friends with her. I also have a professional relationship with her. but it's so frustrating to me that she 'bought' the car almost six months ago, and I really don't think she's planning on paying him.

[12 Dec 2009|10:33am]
man, this past week was a little rough. It wasn't epic for the most part, but just rough.

Until Friday.

Yesterday, I was pushin' through my day. B and I went out to lunch and I had THE MOST AMAZING curry that I've ever had in Anchorage. I mean, HOLY SHIT. (this was at Thai Curry downtown)
It was a good bonding time.
and then we came back to the office and things were super chill.
I did my holiday shopping for my immediate family and got that shit shipped (it's all from amazon or alibris)
and I was going to go get a half cup of coffee from the kitchen because it smelled so good.
which was when Kris told me that Tomeka had passed out.
I went out to where she was, and Kokayi and Cloudy and Kris were around her.
I called 911
but when she turned blue I had to get off the phone and go hold her hand.
Before that, I could let other people be around her, but at that moment, I had to be there too. Cloudy thought she was dying and had to step back, and Claudia was giving her mouth to mouth and compressions.
Up to that point, I'd viewed it as a stressful situation that was worrysome but that she'd be okay.
but at that moment the reality hit that she might just die right there

She is one of my good friends, even though she's been shutting me (and everyone else) out lately.
Even if she wasn't, this would've been traumatic.
But she is, so it was really hard.

I feel like even though I lose it sometimes, most of the time I have a slightly different perspective on this kind of stuff than other people do. Not that I'm unsad, but that there was a time that so much death happened around me that it felt like a sort of inevitability (which it is, of course)
I started to feel like no one is so special that they get to avoid it, and sort of stopped holing on to all of these illusions that we all like to keep.
my point in telling you this is that I felt like I was strong for a lot of people yesterday, and that even though I was hurting, that my shoulders had plenty of strength to be leaned on.

I'm going over to see her today.
She went to the hospital yesterday (obviously) and they told her that this happened because she was so profoundly anemic.
This happened recently, right before thanksgiving, and she also went to the hospital then. It is EXCEEDINGLY concerning to me that they didn't figure this out then.
I also think that there are other things going on. THere certainly are with her health in general, but I think there is a myriad of layers to this.

In other news, pilates has been going very well for me. I feel like I'm carrying my body differently already. Last night, I finally got into my low abs. I'd been really trying to feel it there and work that area (we've been working on that the whole time) and finally, I really got the connection solidy. for the rest of the evening, I was able to connect pretty deeply to that area and work it really hard. at one point, I started shaking really hard, but this thrilled the shit out of me.
This past summer I learned about some research and techniques that have to do with trauma living in your body. You know how animals shake when they're scared? The theory is that doing this helps them to release the trauma and keep it from being stored in their body. there is this program of doing really simple exercises and movements that form new connections in your body and often lead to this shaking release.
anyway, so when I was totally in my low abs, which is where I am aware of TONS of my trauma and memories living, I started shaking SO hard. I was sitting there grinning the whole time. I pretty much wanted to jump up and tell everyone what was going on for me, but I didn't want to stop it.

I feel SO PROUD for doing this, and really great in my body.

1 left| fly

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